Urban Myths: Mochollo

When I was in high school, I did a LOT of creative thinking and writing.  Half was for class, and the other half was for the hell of it.  This particular piece of writing is the first part of a class assignment.  We had to create a new god, based on Greek mythology.  In creating this god, we had to incorporate a "need" or reason for this god to exist, pertaining to the general rules of god creation.

If you are familiar with ancient Greek mythos, you are aware that demi-gods are created by the godly entity bedding a mortal by taking the shape of another mortal man or animal.  Well, since there hasn't been a demi-god in over three thousand years, its safe to say that Zues is pretty randy.  It's not addressed in this story, for obvious reasons, but can you imagine?  The king of gods running around town with a raging boner, having had nothing but ratty goddess twang or his thunderbolt hands for three thousand years?  And do you think he named his dong?  Like, "let me introduce you to my thunder bolt", eyebrow raised and a sly, slick sneer at his lips?

I now introduce to you, Mochollo, god of organized transportation.

Zues, the ancient Grecian king of the gods, walked down the street of main.  He, for once since ancient times three thousand years ago, had decided to take a stroll down one of his cities.  He was excited.  This would be the day a new mother of a god would be chosen.  (Hera packed up and left after the war of 1812).    He was finally a free man, free to choose a queen of the gods.

There was a certain woman in that modern land.  She was a pretty gal, the most beauticious *making up words like a good little twat* in all the world.  Hera, who now was the queen of Corporate Industries, had put a jealous curse on her.  She was a polite lady, and her curse was she was cursed to say nothing but "excuse me" all her days.  It was a very dull curse.

So, on this fine day for a walk, Zues bumped into her.  He fell in love immediately, but she just thought he was weird... Wearing that toga in public and all... Eeewwww!!!  Anyways, she totally shunned him and went on her merry way.

This angered Zues, who then called upon his sister's (daughter's???) Son, Cupid, to help him.  Cupid agreed on one condition, which was that Cupid got first crack at overthrowing Hera.  And to use Zues' thunderbolt. Hesitantly, Zues agreed, and Cupid went off in search of Tommy, this beauticious gal.  He searched for forty days and forty nights, until finally, he found her.

"Are you Zues' Tommy?" He asked.

"Who's Tommy?"

"Are you Tommy?"

"Who IS TOMMY?"

Well, he muttered to himself, that takes care of that issue.  He went off again, in search of Tommy, for forty days and forty nights.  Finally finding Tommy.  He rang her doorbell, made sure she was Tommy, and flew up into the clouds.  He aimed and let loose an arrow of love.  Flittering, glittering, shimmering, it hit Tommy in the thigh and disintegrated.  Cupid had accomplished his goal.

Flying like Hades he made it back to Zues' top floor penthouse suite in forty days and almost forty nights.  Huffing and puffing he bowed low before the king of gods.  Zues gave him the lightening bolt and boy did he go to town!!  He destroyed a bunch of important stuff (empire state building, statue of liberty, etc) and overthrew Hera.  Corporate Industries became Cupid Co.  Go figure.

Anyways, Zues zapped himself to Tommy's house and rang the doorbell.  No one answered.  Confidant she would fall in love with him at first sight, he burst the door open, flowers in hand.

To his utter shock and horror, he found her kissing Hephaestus dressed as a vacuum salesman.  He was cheating on Aphrodite!!  Well, considering she was cheating on him with Ares... Do the math.  Zues stormed out, yelling, "Vacuu, man!!" over his shoulder.

In his pain and emotional turmoil, he walked by a pond which had a few baby swans swimmin around tended by a gorgeous young swanherd.  They shook hands, went bowling, and had a son!!  Well, as it turns out, the woman was really a swan goddess, disguised as a woman.

The son was a swanling.  It took eleven years for him to grow into a full fledged god.  He was buff, had blue hair and blondish purple eyes.  His raiments were slightly different than at of Zues; being an orange vest and comfortable fitting ripped jeans.  The only fault in his appearance was his extremely long neck.

Anyways, he was pretty good looking.  So good looking he acquired a rather large head.  He also knew how to swim, and in Nyx the Titan's book, he was a genuine potato.  *inside high school joke... May come in a later post.*  A real god.  A god of the most manly, daring, interesting, cult of men: the internal combustion transportation route indentation prevention crew.  God over all the roadways, cars, and problems that go with them.

And thus was born Mochollo, god of organized transportation

Hello. I am a literary twat

How come I can't write worth shit?  Some sally cum lightly, or fanny come homely, or whatever the phrase is can write about sparkly vampires and make millions, but I sit and support my local music scene, thumbing away at my phone, express how the music makes me feel, and I get accolades at a shitty bar?  A free drink?  Maybe a bandie lay or seven?  Hells yea I do!!  It takes a lot to drink till you are stupid and forget the coke fueled after party.  The good thing about local music is the shitty generic drugs and hanging out with the same bass player every weekend.

Seriously, though, I've always been a scheming literary twat.  When I was ten, I read through my dad's Tolkien books, at the unbequest of my mother, who was religious and thought those books were of the devil.  Evil, imaginary magical theories that discredited God and his miracles.

When I was 12 I read the first Jurassic Park novel in thirteen hours straight.  Do you realize how many pages that was to a sixth grader?  That book was thicker than my dad's glasses.  Which, in the early nineties, was pretty thick for a middle class family with five kids and one working parent.  When the movie came out, my brother and I, who had never read the book and just liked dinosaurs, went to see it in the dollar theater.  Every Saturday, for the whole fucking summer.  I hated the movie.  But I went, to nitpick every single discrepancy.  It was 25% the book, and I hated it.  I did mention I was a literary twat from a young age, didn't I?

I swore to myself I would never EVER write a good book and let it get chopped up for the "layman".  So, I wrote a book.  Well, let's back up a bit.  I wrote a book when I was like eight or seven or some shit.  Something about a girl and the case of the missing pets.  Pause... Its around here somewhere... Ahhh.  In a Tupperware in my closet, 24 years later.  Its called The Missing Dogs.  If that's not an attention grabber, I don't know what is.  I am an animal lover too, but that will be for a different blog.  This book was about a girl whose dog, and other  neighborhood dogs, go missing after visiting the creeper vet.  I illustrated the thing, and not knowing what a pedophile was, I actually drew him to look like one.  Glasses, balding, and that evil, creeper stare and grin.  Shshshshuddddder just thinking about it.

Now, every book to movie transition needs at LEAST 75% of the original book in the movie to be believable as the book, in my opinion.  Again, literary twat.  After watching the Jurassic park movie, and having been utterly disgusted with the butchering of the imagining I had in my head after having read the book, I took out my masterpiece and started writing a script.  Generic and neandarthalic as it was, I was impressed.  Well this isn't so fuckin hard, I had everything in it that I wrote for the book.

Then came working with the talent.  We had a newfoundland dog named Uno.  She was an older girl, adopted from a local rescue.  She was sweet, a cuddler, and completely daft at the art of acting.  She never stayed on cue, ran after cats, and was such a diva she wouldn't do anything I asked until she got her ball.

So, I gave up directing for a while.  To focus on my fucking twatty attitude.  I, for the most part, was a recluse.  I had friends, but would rather hang out in the corner of the playground reading.  Like a twinky twat.  I read throughout elementary school, of which I attended the same school from preschool to the middle of sixth grade, and then uprooted at mother's fancy.  I attended two more sixth grade classes, and three middle schools, landing in Arizona.  All that changing and having to make new friends shit made me more of a shut in.  More books, more reading, and an end of school award from the school's librarian for being "The Best Lunchtime Library Assistant."  Yup.  That was me.  Luckily, beating people up wasn't in the code of bullies where I was.

Fearing for my social sanity, mother enrolled me in a Mormon charter school from ninth grade to graduation.   Through out those years, I mastered my craft at writing, and actually had a shit ton of fun doing it.  Therapeutic and energizing for my vocabulary.  I made up most words when I couldn't think of one that fit, such as fantabulous or fuckcruncher.  I also bought books on script writing and now have a whole bunch of shit sitting in my closet, a fraction of what I had written over the years.  And drugs.  I discovered lots of drugs.

My insecurity and unselfworth, being mentally abused by mummy dearest, having inherited her genes of depression and bipolarism and other mental isms, have prevented any from seeing the light of day.  Until now.  I no longer care what others think about what happens in my head; the love of Badgerino, my soul mate and the other half of my sanity, has given me the supreme twatness to share this with you all.  Past head writings and whatever I feel like sharing in the future.  That, as well as for entertaining purposes, boredom, depression and simply for those nosey nancys out there that have nothing better to do.  Just giving you something to stalk other than the girlfriend of your crush.  Reviewing bands, venues and music were just the beginning; Isis (the goddess, not the terrorists) save us all.

Enjoy!!